What Is A Suitable Wedding Present?

As the poster-child for bad wedding etiquette I have found myself, once again, in the dreaded “wedding gift dilemma”. 

What do you get the “happy” couple on the blessed day?  A crock pot?  A new car?  Cash? 

What is the correct gift and exactly how is this vital decision arrived at logically and practically?

I have decided that the best course of action is to base the gift on the characteristics of the couple themselves.

Key points of consideration in this case;

  • Both are government employees
  • Both are in their first marriage “experience”
  • The marriage is viewed as a necessary prerequisite for children
  • They have a dog
  • The gender roles of the individuals are reversed in the relationship
  • They completely coincidentally and accidentally bought my first house

To move the process forward, gifts for each individual characteristic should be assessed;

  • Government Employees
    • Ideal Gift – Nothing.. They are already spoiled.
    • Practical Gift – Crock Pot
  • First marriage “Experience”
    • Ideal Gift – “Nerf” kitchenware and other “throw-able” household objects
    • Practical Gift – Crock Pot
  • Marriage As Child Prerequisite
    • Ideal Gift – Gift Certificate For Vasectomy
    • Practical Gift – Crock Pot (full of condoms)
  • Dog
    • Ideal Gift – A cat
    • Practical Gift – A leash (no symbolism here! J).. maybe in a Crock Pot
  • Reversed Gender Roles
    • Ideal Gift – Interchangeable Testicles
    • Practical Gift – A “Strap-On” Penis (of dimensions comfortable for whomever decides to play the female)
  • Own My First House
    • Ideal Gift – Several sticks of dynamite
    • Practical Gift – A Crock Pot full of oily rags and a lighter 

Based on the preceding sound and reasonable assessment, it would make sense that a Crock Pot would be the best compromise and the ideal gift for the couple.

Whew!  Logic and reason to the rescue again! 

… I’ll just give them $50 bucks…. so they can pick out their own Crock Pot!